Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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