so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
