I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
