I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
