Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
