You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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