if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
