Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
