Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
what is it with giant penises always finding me
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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