I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
