I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
