ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
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