in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
My dad just said "fuck circus"
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
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