So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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