we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
