Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
She's just so happy...and so naked.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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