my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
