I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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