got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
