Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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