so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
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