the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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