she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
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