Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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