Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
