So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
