I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
