All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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