that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
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