True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
My ass is underappreciated
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
