This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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