i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
