i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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