it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Randomize
