Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
my being single is dangerous.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
