do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
