she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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