It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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