best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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