Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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