thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
