you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
