Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
