imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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