I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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