This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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