WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
