Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Blood and glitter go together right?
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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