My balls are so social today.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
