the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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