I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize