I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
