Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Randomize
