allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
