don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
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