Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
