why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Randomize