I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize